"Y: "Good. I don't know why you do that stuff anyway. It messes with your head and you can't think straight when you're on it."M: "I'm not having this conversation with you again. We've already talked about it and we've agreed that we just have a difference of opinion on it. Nothing's going to change that so there's no use arguing about it."Y: "I know, I'm sorry I just can't help it. I just wish you would stop it altogether and then we wouldn't have to worry about it ever again."M: "Or you could stop nagging.."Y: "I'm not nagging! I'm jus-"M: "Yes you are."And with that, you turn around and storm away from me, heated.M: "Babe, wait I didn't mean it like that!!"But you were already gone. Into the house with the door slammed loudly behind you. I sigh and go back to looking at the lake. The sun has descended behind the hills on the other side of the lake now but there's still enough light for me to make out the details of the surroundings. I love the way that the air smells... I sold my car, gave away most of my clothes, manypersonal items and I reduced my personal belongings to five boxes. Iclosed them so that they were ready for transportation if needed. Istayed four weeks.Christel: And how did you feel then, did you have the hope of getting"cured" from your transsexual inclinations ?Barbara: Well, I had imagined my month in Zurich as an experiment and,yes, I had the idea that a given time of acting out might settle my"problem" and allow me to become "normal" (she laughs). I thought bymyself that maybe falling in love with a girl might be the stone on myroad which would change the direction of my journey. But on the otherhand my love for Lukas had already taken hold of me. And I must saythat Lukas went on playing his role of conqueror : he called me almostevery day. He sent me the video course from Anne Melanie Phillips abouthow to feminize your voice and so I was busy with my feminine self. Buthe never came to visit, I didn't want this because I wanted.
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